Back to Reality

I just dropped Megan off at the airport so she can head back to the mainland. I can't believe this week went by so fast! I can't believe the things we did! I had such a good week, and had such a shitty month leading up to my much need vacation that I really don't want to go back to reality. I can't hide from things forever, can I? Crud.

I have so much to update about, but right now I'm exhausted and still need to clean up Gary & Karen's house before Karen comes home tomorrow. Updates to be posted soon (I promise)! Back to reality...

A Much Needed Vacation

My friend, Megan, arrived this afternoon to spend an entire week with me! She's mainly here to spend Thanksgiving with me since I can't go home, but she's also here to explore Hawaii with me for a much needed vacation for the both of us! She's been working a full-time job - working mostly overtime - and going back to school for nursing all at the same time. I don't know how she does it, but now we have a full week to sight-see and relax!

I can't wait to actually explore Hawaii... I've been here for 3 months and still haven't seen much. It's time to remedy that situation and to have fun with a friend! :)

My Support Booster Shot

This weekend I had two amazing conversation with some S.I.T. (School for International Training) friends - Nick and Tam. I have to say right now, I am truly appreciative of technology and I *heart* Skype. I don't know how well I would've survived in the days when letter writing was the only source of communication. Being able to see and openly communicate with friends that I haven't gotten to talk with in over a month, especially two friends that are a part of my academic support system and who genuinely care about my well being in general, was just the medicine the doctor ordered!

Nick is a part of my cluster and is my cluster "buddy." He knows the ins-and-outs of the situation that unfolded in my cluster, and has been very supportive throughout, not only as my cluster "buddy," but also as my friend. Tam has always been a breath of sanity for me. When we were taking a class in NYC, in our classes on campus, etc, she was there for me. We've had so many long and in-depth conversations that she's been a real life saver over the past year-and-a-half.

Each of these conversations were well timed, greatly needed, and highly appreciated. They helped me de-compartmentalize things, they helped me think things through, they gave me new perspectives, they got my mind off of things, and they updated me on their lives... it was just what I needed. :) Thank you to both Nick and Tam for being fan-ta-bulous friends!

Thanksgiving with Host Family

Today I celebrated Thanksgiving with my host family, which included Mark & Helene (the couple I live with), their son Curtis, and their other tenant Althea (Thea, pronounced like Tia). It was a really nice experience. I haven't ever really talked with Thea before, and had only had a few interactions with Curtis when he came home for the weekends, but during our meal we had such lively and animated conversation you would think we were a very close and social family unit.

It made me really happy, especially in the midst of everything I've been going through lately. It also made me start thinking about how I'm not going to be home with my family for Thanksgiving, which made me sad, but I was also okay with it because I know there is going to be family disagreements (as there usually are during the holidays) that I'd rather not be apart of. This Thanksgiving dinner with my host family gave me an idea of a drama free holiday dinner, and I was very thankful for it. :)

I continue to be baffled...

Gary recently returned from a 4-day trip to Maui to figure out an on-going problem with the 4-H Livestock council there. Gary and I debriefed this afternoon, and he revealed some information that I find absolutely baffling...

The issues with the Livestock Council on Maui have been going on for years, in fact, the main people involved with these issues are the reason our county agent up-and-quit this past summer. Gary had been hearing all sorts of complaints from the youth involved in the program (saying that the adults were acting childish, and making them not want to be in the program anymore), and county extension officials (saying that this issue was too much to deal with so if Gary couldn't resolve it soon he was going to cut the program in the county).

Gary traveled over to Maui and had 3 days of intense individual and group conversations with everyone involved, and had each person indicate which individuals they thought were the source of the issues. An overwhelming majority narrowed the issues down to four adults who have had vendettas against each other for decades. The most appalling fact about these individuals and the issues is that they started penalizing youth with learning disabilities or preventing them from participating in the program to get back at each other. Not only were they subjecting the youth to their personal issues and using them as pawns in their "game," but they were unethically and wrongfully treating youth with learning disabilities.

When Gary told me this I was so shocked that it made me sick. There are some serious issues here, and something needs to be done to protect people - such as the youth with learning disabilities, and youth in general - from vindictiveness of a few. As an leaders of 4-H in this community it is our job to make sure that all youth involved in the program have a safe and educational environment to grow.

Gary wound up dissolving the Livestock Council in Maui county, and developing a Youth Council to run the program with 1-2 adult supervisors, selected by the youth, but with Extension & CTAHR (College of Tropical Agriculture and Human Resources) veto power (in case the youth select one of the individuals that were originally causing all the issues). The reasoning for this clause was to prevent a youth not being allowed to be involved with the youth council because of their relation to one of the original adults.

Decisions, Decisions...

I've recently had a lot of decisions to make, and still have many more decisions to come. Basically, as stated in my previous post, I'm at a crossroads. I need to decide if what I'm doing practicum and degree-wise is what I really want... and that includes a lot of other decisions depending on what I choose. Again, this whole public accusation situation has been throwing me for a real loop and has kind of exhausted the wind from my sails. Now I'm just sitting out in the middle of the ocean, lost, and unaware of what I should do next.

To break it down some of the factors that are influencing my decisions...

I like the organization I work for, and I'm definitely learning a lot, but I'm not necessarily learning things that I can apply to my RPP paper. The things I am learning are mostly through observations and "interviews," and although it's all very interesting, I not confident that I can fully articulate these subtle things to my peers (particularly because of the public accusation situation).

I also like Hawaii, but am getting fed up with being a shut in. I don't get to come and go as I please, I'm at my boss's beck-and-call for work things (meaning I could be - and have been - asked to do work at all hours of the day/night), that I'm not given enough work to sustain me through the work day so I wind up bored in an office for the majority of the day, but then do not have enough time to get personal things done at home because that is when I'm usually asked to work on things, and my food situation is not the best (I'm tired of eating Easy Mac and Chef Boyardee all the time).

Put all of that together and I find myself - more often than I'd like to admit - questioning why I'm here.

Side note: I'm really not doing very well with this whole non-complaining thing.

I also mentioned last month that I found an opportunity for an interfaith fellowship that I really, really want. However...

1. Who knows if I'll even get it
2. If I do get it, it doesn't start until summer 2011
3. I'd have to decide if I want that to be what I write my capstone about
4. If yes, I'd have to extend my reflective practice phase out another year, meaning more tuition and another year before I graduate
5. If no, I'd have to figure out a way to start paying on student loans while doing the fellowship because I'll no longer have school to defer those.
6. If I don't get the fellowship, do I try and force a paper out of my experiences here in Hawaii in order to graduate in May
7. At this point is it even a possibility to graduate in May?
8. If no, do I still try to write a paper based on my experiences in Hawaii or obtain a second practicum for either more material or for a new focus?

See... lots of decisions I need to make, and I need to make the NOW! These aren't even all the decisions I need to make, but just the major ones that effect the next couple years of my life... no big deal.

My head is spinning.

Crossroads

This practicum situation has really thrown me for a loop. It has me questioning what exactly I'm doing and how exactly am I going to turn it into something useful for a 30-50 page paper and presentation. All of this is on top of the confusion I had about the Reflective Practice Phase, in general. It's frustrating.

In the midst of all of this, when I should be able to contact my advisor and peers for clarification and support, I feel more disconnected from S.I.T. than ever. I'm not the only one, either. I've talked to a few of my friends from school over the past week and they feel varying degrees of separation too (and some of them are nearby the school and resources). This just leads me to believe that this off-campus phase is not design efficiently enough.

I contacted a professor on campus that I trust and that I know cares about me. I just needed another perspective on this whole situation and some advice on my RPP since my advisor hasn't returned any of my calls or emails. We first discussed the public accusation situation, and this professor was flabbergasted that things had escalated as much as they had. And to be fair I did not put any of my own commentary into the explanation of the situation, but rather let the transcripts of the communication (the forum postings and emails) speak for themselves.

Since my initial conversation with this professor we have talked a few more times. Each conversation we had consisted of this professor checking in on my well being (which was greatly appreciated) and us discussing a number of options for moving forward. During our last conversation, however, they brought up concern that they felt my current cluster was proving to be too toxic of an environment to allow for the continuation of my learning (due to the lack of willingness to have mediated dialog and for the situation to be a learning opportunity rather than an outlet to express emotions on issues), and that perhaps I should switch clusters and then write one of my RPQs (Reflective Practice Question papers) on this situation and how it could've been handled differently/what I learned from it.

I've toyed with the idea of switching clusters before this professor suggested it, but had previously shied away from it because I didn't want it to seem like I was running away from the issue. However, after having these conversations, and mulling over multiple options for moving forward, this might be better for my well-being, as well as for helping me complete my practicum.

Switch clusters! Problem solved! Right? Nope. You'd think it'd be that simple, but no.

Now I'm in the position of trying to figure out exactly how to focus my RPP. The reason I need to decide this first is because if I want to switch to a course-linked capstone (CLC), I need to know that before I request to switch clusters because that will determine which advisor I get assigned to. Right now I'm stuck between doing a TDEL (Training Design for Experiential Learning) CLC or doing an IPIC (Independent Practitioner's Inquiry Capstone) focused on ethics. The ethics topic first came to me after a training that I observed, but has grown since this practicum situation has occurred. I feel there are a lot of ethical questions that have been raised during my time here, and I'm interested in diving further into it... however, if I did the ethics IPIC I'd have a lot more work to do and if I didn't handle the topic just right it could blow up in my face. The training topic would be the easier of the two, but I'm worried it might not completely fit what I do here.

How do I always get myself into these situations?

Kama'aina

I am officially a Kama'aina! I just got back from the DMV where I got my Hawaii Driver's License! It's so weird! I've lived a lot of places in my 25 years, a lot of them for longer periods than I've lived/will live in Hawaii, but I have always held a Nebraska Driver's License. Now, I hold a Hawaii Driver's License and my Nebraska License was taken away. I am no longer a resident of Nebraska. WEIRD!!!

You may be asking why I went through the hassle of getting a Hawaii Driver's License in the first place, especially since I'll only be living here for a few more months. Well, it's simple really... 1) things are cheaper here if you are a local, and 2) I wanted a Hawaii License as a sort of souvenir. Don't judge. It's mainly for the first reason, why pay more if I'm living here and not just another tourist?

My new license doesn't expire until 2019, but I'm pretty sure I'll be transferring my residency back to Nebraska (or possibly another state if I'm not living in Nebraska) before the next election so that I don't have to cast my vote absentee for Hawaii and can just vote where ever I am.

I'm excited to be a Kama'aina!!! :)

Grant Rejection Drama

For the past few weeks Gary, myself, Mary (director of FETCH), and her graduate assistant Adam have been working on a CYFAR (Children, Youth, & Families At Risk) Grant for approximately half a million dollars. We put a lot of effort into the grant - we sat through webinars, we had multiple strategy meetings, we would mass email drafts to each other, etc. Gary, in my opinion, put the most work into the grant because he was constantly re-figuring things, contacting people to double and triple check information, going to extra meetings, and staying up all hours of the night to compose the narrative and budget. In fact, the night before it was due Gary and I were up late editing and checking over everything - Gary also redoing the budget with new, last minute information - and then Gary woke up the next morning at 4:00am to head to campus in order to work on the grant more before it was due at 12:00pm (noon) our time (5:00pm on the East Coast). Gary was so utterly exhausted by the time the University of Hawaii finally submitted the grant that he looked like you could knock him over with a piece of string.

Unfortunately for us, even though we put our grant package through the online portal's verification system and was cleared to submit, our grant bounced back because one of the attachments was not in a pdf document. However, because of the convoluted system that the University of Hawaii has for submitting governmental grants, the bounce back was sent to the University official who submitted it, not to us. They didn't check there email until 2 hours after the submission deadline had passed (and supposedly, although I may be wrong, the rejection letter was not sent until after the submission deadline, too).

When Gary was notified, he was upset (rightfully so), but also too exhausted to figure out if there was anything we could do. He informed me and one of Mary's work-study students (Lee) - because he couldn't get a hold of Mary or Adam, of which he had been trying to get a hold of all day in regards to the document that resulted in our proposal being bounced back - and went home for the day.

That was on Tuesday. Friday morning, I was reading through another grant RFA when I hear Mary start yelling downstairs (I work in the same building as Mary and Adam, Gary works in a different building). Lee found me and told me she was talking to Mary about the grant and how it was rejected, and Mary flipped out because apparently she didn't know. For the rest of the day I heard Mary on her phone (she does all her calls on speaker phone) yelling at/arguing with Gary for about an hour, angrily discussing "our" options with the head of the department, contacting partners, trying to contact someone at USDA (where the grant was through), and then having another - more calm - discussion with Gary.

In the majority of her conversations she was blaming Gary for the grant being rejected and for not doing anything about it. Even to Gary's "face" she accused him of not being professional enough to contact her or Adam when he found out because "[she] always has her phone on." 1) That's not true. 2) Gary tried contact both of them multiple times for the entirety of that day, and neither one ever answered or returned his calls or emails (which you think you would if you knew that was a grant submission deadline day). 3) Even Lee said that they never have their phones on them, and if they do they rarely answer.

It was pretty heated here for awhile. I was afraid to come out of my office. Expletives were flying left and right! She basically was making the case that we worked too hard to have a computer error screw us over in the end. Part of me agreed with her, but the other part of me knows that it was a slim chance we would've gotten the funding anyway because it was so competitive, and for her to be barking up all these trees and yelling at all these people is only going to burn bridges for us in the future. Needless to say, I was happy for the weekend.

I come into the office on Monday, and Gary and I find out that Mary has contacted anyone and EVERYONE connected to this grant/grant process on the University, State, and National levels to try and make a case why our grant should be able to be resubmitted. She had actually persuaded (forced) mostly everyone to say yes except the USDA people who basically said, too late... too bad, so sad. I have to admit I admire Mary's determination, but again I'm afraid of the impression she's leaving on people who will have the decision power over whether or not we get funding in the future.

When Gary originally talked to Mary about moving on to the next grant (right after the rejection drama), she said that she refused to work on any more grants if this was how things were going to be, but when she talked with him Monday afternoon she was completely on board with this next proposal... so much so that she wanted to take it over and be the principle investigator (PI) on it. Gary flat out told her no, and she got pissed off. This morning, Gary informed Karen and I that Mary sent him a long apologetic email for her temper and actions, and requested that FETCH still be able to be a part of this next grant, and understands that it was wrong for her to try to take over as PI.

This has been like a freaking roller-coaster! I hope that we can make it through this next grant submission without falling off the tracks completely!

Snow vs. Sun

Just a quick update about how it's currently snowing in Nebraska. I've heard from friends in different areas of Lincoln and Omaha about blizzard-like conditions, to white-out conditions, to icy roads, to light dustings, to fallen branches, to major car accidents, etc.

It's just so surreal to me that it is currently snowing - pretty decently too - in Nebraska. I've grown up with snow my whole life, but to be here in Hawaii makes it hard to imagine. It's like I've been in extended summer this whole time.

Anyone who knows me knows that I like fall because it's pretty and the temperature is just perfect. I don't care for summer because it's too hot and you can only take so much clothing off. I don't care for winter because it's frigid cold. And, although I like spring second best, I don't like it as much as fall because it's so muddy (not to mention that winter keeps extending further and further into spring that it barely exists at all).

I knew I'd miss fall by moving to Hawaii, but was grateful to miss the majority of winter. I can get my fill of snow when I go home for the winter holidays (white Christmas, anyone?), but beyond that, they can keep their snow. Hawaii may be a tad too hot - most days - for my taste, but the beautiful sunshine, clear skies, bright blue water of the ocean, and calm trade winds keep a smile on my face on days like today... a day when I think of all my friends and family back home shoveling their driveways. :)

Aloha from warm and sunny Hawaii!

Don't hate. Appreciate!

Youth Development Model

Ignoring all the crap that's going on with my practicum, I want to highlight something I've accomplished. Today Gary asked me to recreate a diagram depicting a youth development program model for the state of Hawaii based off 4-H curriculum, programming, goals, and youth development program models from Washington and Oregon. After a few hours of working on it, here is the final project:

I'm proud of it. This is how I'm going to start viewing my practicum... I'm going to start focusing on the positive contributions I do make, rather than how others view what I'm doing. :) P.S. No stealing my amazing diagram... give credit where credit is due (just like we did).

A Public Accusation, Part 4

I should've known better than to expect a birthday free of drama, especially from this practicum situation. I'm so fed up right now!

Long story, short: The student who originally made the public accusation against me, who later apologized via email and agreed to handle the situation more professionally in the future, has basically retracted that agreement by publicly posting to the forum a statement similar in sentiment to the private email sent by the second student a couple of days ago.

It still baffles me how it got this big. I understand that the issues are real, and I understand the severity of those issues, but those issues are not what was originally brought up for discussion, nor did they have anything to do with the original posting! I care about these issues too, so to put me on the other side is really infuriating to me! It kind of feels like they're negating all the work I have done in my life for this cause...

Like I said - FRUSTRATING!

I can't deal with this anymore. It just keeps dragging me down further and motivating me less and less to work toward finishing this degree. Maybe it's time to sleep on it.

A Birthday Mediation

Happy Birthday to me!

Today we had a six-hour mediation with our Foundation board. This was the reason I had to fly back to Hawaii before my birthday. I do admit that it was a good meeting to sit in on. I took lots of notes... seven pages worth! I'll try to concisely summarize (wish me luck!)...

This mediation was planned because of the resignation ruckus that was happening. The good thing about setting up this mediation is that it was requested by the group rather than it being forced upon the group. We (as in the state office) brought in a neutral mediator. She had each participant of the meeting state what they wanted to get out of this meeting. Their answers ranged from questions on how the board operates to structural changes to how the organization can survive.

The group talked about a lot of issues, and came to the conclusion (unfortunately) that a lot of the problems they are facing are outside of their control. They also came to the realization that if things don't change soon, Hawaii 4-H may cease to exist. At the end of the meeting they were trying to focus on what they as a board could do and focus on. There is so much more I could fill y'all in on the six-hour meeting, but then I'd have to get into details... so instead I'll just share some good quotes that came out of the meeting that I starred in my notes:

• "The problem was here way before Gary got here."
• "This passive aggressive crap is irritating!"
• "Gary [filling the State Leader position] got people nervous about the way things have always been, but the truth is he's picking a dying program up by the bootstraps. He's one guy trying to do what a number of people should be doing. He shouldn't have to try to be Superman!"
• "Without passionate alumni and volunteers - wherever they may come from - this program would be dead because we have little to no staff to do anything. We can't place burden and blame on those willing to help."
• "People don't understand the impact internet and email communication can have when accusations are publicly raised. When we have a disagreement we need to face people directly and not behind their back or to others."
• "We've lost camaraderie, support, sense of purpose. We're more divided now. We should start working together."
• "It's not Gary's fault. Whoever took the position was walking into a pile of shit."

When I heard those quotes, I was happy for multiple reasons. I was glad they were talking about real issues and being frank with everyone, and some of those quotes made me think of the crappy situation (parts 1 & 2) going on with my practicum cluster. I really wanted to record that portion of what they were saying and send it to the students who are making accusations about me.

My critique of the mediator is that she was very personable so she set the atmosphere for the days event nicely. She utilized good active listening skills, and summarized what each participant said to make sure she understood them. She also worked very hard in the beginning to set norms and make it a "safe place" for people to communicate. However, I wasn't impressed about how she talked more than the participants, made over-assumptions in her summarizations, or how she was making suggestions/problem-solving for the group. For the most part she did an excellent job, but she toed the line quite a bit, and sometimes I felt she crossed it.

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In other news... Today is my 25th birthday! I am officially a quarter of a century year old! Crazy! And despite my predictions (due to an all day mediation meeting and being away from home w/o friends or family), my birthday wasn't a total bust. In fact, I had a really good time! Today's meeting was successful and rejuvenating, the board members went out of their way to get me a cake, and Gary & Karen took me out to eat for my birthday and got me some presents to remember Hawaii by (which they totally didn't have to do!!!)! :) It was an amazing day and evening, and I feel very grateful to be where I am... 25 years later.

From one home to another...

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a LOVE-HATE relationship with Nebraska. It's just a fact. I tend to hate it while I'm there, but love hanging out with my friends (and sometimes family), and am looking for anyway to get out. But when I'm away, I tend to get really homesick, compare everywhere to (the good parts about) Nebraska, and don't truly appreciate where I am.

Conundrum, no?

Despite all of this, Nebraska is still home, and I'm sad that I just left it (even if parts of my time there were shitty). Here's a recap...

Wednesday evening I went shopping with Monica and grabbed drinks with Megan MK. (Side note: I hate when all my friends wait til the last minute to hang out with me when I'm home b/c then I have to double book and run from one friend to the other.) My last day in town was a roller-coaster of a ride. I was still dealing with all this practicum cluster drama, and met up with some friends to vent and take my mind off of things as the Korn-popper in downtown Lincoln. (Side note #2: It was cold! I love and miss fall, but am glad I came back to the warm sunshine of Hawaii) Later in the afternoon I helped some old friends set up for a TEC Retreat weekend that I used to do when I was in high school. It was soooooo amazing to see friends I haven't seen in forever, but it made me sad that I couldn't stay and be a part of the weekend.

I also had a goodbye/early birthday dinner with my family and grandmother. It was disastrous, but not for reasons you might expect. Everything was fine until my brother announced that he had done something horrible and that my parents were probably going to kill him. Turns out that he was involved in a hit and run (he fled the scene because he panicked), and he didn't know what to do. It was a pretty bad situation and so many emotions were running through everyone that the meal was pretty much the last thing on all of our minds. Also, due to this fiasco, I didn't get to plan Megan S's visit to Hawaii like we were planning. Now we'll have to do it via skype.

I spent what little I had of the rest of the evening decompressing from the dramas of the day at the Coffee House because I couldn't be around my family, and I needed some me time where I could be productive (the Coffee House has been my productivity location in the past). However, I wasn't very productive, nor did I decompress from the day's dramas very well because my friend Chase randomly showed up and ended up distracting me (and riling me up more) for the rest of the evening. This led me to spending a lot of my (non-sleeping) time during my flights fretting over these two uncontrollable situations.

Why do I always do that? Worry about things I have no control over... Ugh.

Anyway, I'm now back in Hawaii. I have mixed emotions about being here, too. I'm grateful for the warm, beautiful weather, but am not thrilled to be dropped back into my practicum when I still feel like I don't do anything worthwhile and that all this drama is surrounding. Also, I went from a place where I have friends - who might be busy, but will still be there if I truly needed an escape - to a place where I have to be chauffeured around and have no one to hang out with (except my boss and his wife). AND it's the day before my 25th birthday.

Okay, okay! *moving complaint free bracelet* I'm not doing very well with this yet, am I?

Tonight was fun, though. Gary and Karen took me to the Hawaii Women's Volleyball game against Hawaii Pacific University (HPU). It was a slaughter, but we managed to move really close to the floor, see Eliza - the girl who we ran into at the Varsity who happens to be Gary & Karen's old neighbor from Lincoln - who happens to be the trainer for HPU, and see some incredible action!

To make a long story short, I left one home for another... and maybe I am a "the grass is always greener on the other side" type of girl, but I am super grateful for my experiences and reflect positively on practically all of them. I know I'll look back on my time here in Hawaii and miss it tremendously. 'Til that day comes, I just need to figure out how to make the most of it... and how not to miss my love-hate state of Nebraska too much. :)

A Public Accusation, Part 2 & 3...

To update...

I never got the chance to talk with my advisor. We played phone tag for a little over a week before both of us stopped trying. I chalk it up to bad timing because I was in Phoenix at the NAE4-HA Conference. Since there had been no further response since my previous update on this situation, I was just going to drop it and let it go. However, my advisor, without having talked with me at all AND almost two weeks later, decided to post a response to the entire forum today.

The response from our advisor discussed how they were glad we were having this discussion. They suggested academic materials we could read to further our knowledge and understanding of the situation. They pointed out information from one of my courses on campus for me to think about, and suggested that the student who made the accusation think about how they are presenting the information in order to create the best atmosphere for conversation and dialog. He basically played the role he should play as an advisor and didn't take sides or (publicly) discuss the seriousness of the issue but tried to refocus it into a learning opportunity.

To be honest, I was slightly annoyed by this, but understood and even appreciated that our advisor was at least addressing the issue... even if it was a couple weeks late. Again, I thought the situation was dropped.

Wrong! Another student, who happens to be close to the student who originally made the accusations against me, was triggered by our advisor's email and decided to respond. This individual wrote a private email to our advisor and copied the other student and myself on the email. The email stated that adjusting the way someone presents accusations of racism to make it easier on the accused to hear is a form of White Supremacy (even though the accuser is also white), that my comments were racist no matter if they came from native/locals or not, that the comments were a form of liberal racism, that my advisor chewing the original student out but not chastising me at all was a form of racism as well (our advisor didn't chew out the other student, they did make pointers to me, and to top it of our advisor is not white, so accusing our advisor of supporting racism is a hefty accusation).

I appreciate that this message was distributed via private email. However, it irritates me that this student, who has had a problem with me since second semester last year, cannot talk to me directly, but has to slander me (while chewing out our advisor) to someone else and passively copies me on the email.

The original posting and accusation was a big deal, but now the situation has blown up! The second student has even made threats that they will leave the group if things are dealt with... and by things they mean me. All of this because I made one statement about organizational structure mentalities that was originally presented to me by people on our Foundation board. How did it get to here?!

I am pretty sure it's not going to die down now. I'll keep you posted on what comes next...

All Hope Is Not Lost

Okay, okay... I admit, I was a little emotionally charged in my last posting. Hey! That's allowed sometimes! My trip home has gotten better. It still hasn't been AMAZING, but sometimes things can't live up to one's expectations.

Since my last posting: Shortly after I finished posting I talked to Monica again, and she realized I needed to get out of that toxic environment, so as soon as George left for work she invited me over to her house to finish the remainder of the Husker game. As we watched the game I vented everything to her - which made me feel so much better - and then we went and got dinner and went out to Rocaberry Farm, a small pumpkin patch (not the original one we were going to go to, but still a pumpkin patch), and did the haunted hay-rack ride, haunted house, and "psycho-path." It was fun.

We called it an early night, and I started to head home. Lydia had contacted me earlier in the evening and said that since her, Megan H., and Yvette had decided not to go to the pumpkin patch that they were going to go to her parent's house and decorate pumpkins and hang out instead so that I could join if I didn't have anything to do. I tried contacting her to see if they were still doing anything (even though I was still kind of upset about the whole situation), but Lydia had forgotten her phone at home so I couldn't get a hold of them. At about the same time my old neighbor, Tina, contacted me and asked if I was going to stop by her Halloween party for a drink. I decided "Why not?" and changed into my last year's costume - Hermione Granger - and went over. The party was basically over, and there were only about 6 or 7 people left (all older) just talking. Tina and I caught up on my time in Hawaii and I watched her make a fool of herself trying to sing along with Rockband before taking my leave early. I'm glad I went even if it was only for about 30 mins.

Halloween day I slept in, had lunch with Megan S. at Lazlo's (one of my favorite restaurants), and went over to my grandma's house to help her pass out candy. My cousin Elizabeth, her husband Zach, and her three kids showed up. Right as they were leaving my cousin Jaci, her daughter Hailey, her sister Jami, their parents, my uncle bobby and aunt Karen showed up, and shortly thereafter my cousin Ericka showed up. It was nice to get to see and catch up with my family. We may not be extremely close or get along all the time, but it was a fun evening. Hailey has taken a liking to Ericka and I swear we should've filmed it because we would've been a shoe-in for America's Funniest Home Videos!

Monday morning I woke up early and went to make breakfast for my Grandma (it was D-Day anniversary), and then accompanied her to the graveyard. I spent the rest of the day with her just so she didn't have to be alone and we Christmas shopped to get her mind off of things. Later that night Lydia, Ben, and I went to VI for old times sake. On the way there Lydia and I talked through what had happened over the weekend and we're fine now. While at VI, Chase showed up to hang out and to take a break from working on a grant.

Yesterday, I went to lunch with Lydia at the Coffee House (I miss that place!), and then ran some errands. I text my friend/old YMCA supervisor, Emmary, to see if I could stop by Elliott Elementary to visit "my kids" from the summer, and she instantly responded. Apparently they were understaffed and she could really use my help! Long story short, I gotta go hang out with "my kids" for a few hours and hang out with some old friends from the Y. It's crazy what just a few months will do for some kids! They're so much bigger, it's crazy! I'm glad I got to do that. It was good for me and reminded me why I'm studying what I'm studying. Take that Cluster!!

After helping out at Elliott, I went straight to my bday dinner with Lydia and Charles. They took me out to Spaghetti Works for my birthday, and Chase decided to come along last minute. It was a good evening. I miss just hanging out with friends... and these three are hilariously entertaining. I also got a phone call that my friend Vanessa is now engaged... AND she wants me to be a bridesmaid!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk! <-- Girly Squeal! :D

Today, I had lunch with Laura and Lydia at Mainstreet. Gosh, I miss home sometimes! We ran into some people that we were friends with in middle school and high school (Jeff, Jeremy, Tyler) and it was weird to think that we're all grown up now (and that I turn 25 this weekend!). Hopefully the rest of my time home continues to go well. :)

Things with my mother may not be getting any better, but... All hope is not lost.