Face-to-Face

I am soooooooooo glad I came to Vermont this week. Yes, it was a lot of money. Yes, it took time and energy to get here. But so much good is coming from it!

Today I was on hyper-drive for meeting with professors/coordinators/advisors and getting answers! I had the mantra of "Taking names and kicking butts!" in my head. If you've been paying attention to this blog at all you'd know that I'm more than a little frustrated with my school and practicum phase. So, in addition to viewing Capstone presentations, I decided it would be wise to search key people out for clarification. I had a good heart-to-heart with the professor that helped me during the public accusation situation a few months ago. After getting a bunch of resources from them for some of my papers, I headed over to my advisor's office.

This was the first meeting my advisor and I had ever had. Literally. So this meeting was good for multiple reasons. I was in her office for over an hour talking about the different aspects of my position in Hawaii, going over the different things I had submitted, discussing possible avenues for me to take, etc. It's so nice to just understand what my advisor is thinking and where she is coming from... AND just to talk to her since she was missing for over a month! I feel a lot more at ease now. ***side note: my advisor piled a lot more work on my plate, but that was expected***

After meeting with my advisor I hit up the professor on campus that is in charge of my language requirements and got things squared away there. And for my last "Act" of the day, I sought out the off-campus coordinator and had a long chat about the realities of me trying to Capstone in May. It's do-able, but it's going to be A LOT of work. *mentally prepping myself*

Today has been uber productive, and it's not over yet! Now I'm off to observe my first Capstone presentation! Let the games begin!!!

Boston!!!

I just concluded my first ever trip to Boston! Granted, it was really short (only a day), I was visiting a couple friends, and it is the middle of February, so I didn't do/see a bunch of the things I'd like to eventually do/see in Boston, but it was still a lot of fun!

My friend Pam met me at the airport. I hadn't seen Pam since the day I drove out of Vermont with SIT in the rear-view mirror! I can't even begin to explain how amazing it was to see someone from school, and for that to be someone who is a true friend. We spent our day in Boston checking out Pam's local coffee place, touring her neighborhood, traveling all over Boston looking for discounted tickets to museums, meeting up with some of Pam's friends and visiting the Boston Museum of Fine Arts (MFA), having dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, and heading down to the theater district to see the Blue Man Group! SO. MUCH. FUN!!!

This morning we got up early and met another SIT friend, Amya, at a local bookstore/diner called Trident. I was on cloud nine... and that's despite being sleep deprived (no sleep on planes, up all day in Boston, bed late/early rise) and cold.

I wish I could've stayed longer... :( However, I'm on the mainland for a reason, and that reason is Capstones! Currently I'm on a train heading North toward Brattleboro, VT, and more SIT friends! :D

A Working Vacation

I'm about ready to embark on a trip to the hottest (early) Spring Break get-away there is: New England... in February. Haha! Not! 24 hours from now I will be taking off in a plane bound for the mainland, with my journey ending in Boston, MA. I'll get to spend a day and a half with some SIT friends in Boston (a city I've never been to before!) before getting on a train and heading up to Vermont for Capstone Week.

During my on-campus phase there was a total of 3 Capstone weeks I could've attended to observe a Capstone presentation before I have to present one myself. However, during the November week I had class and work during all the presentations (no lie), during the Jan/Feb week I was in NYC for my Spring I Term class, and by the time the May week rolled around, classes were over and I was so fed up with the place that I hightailed it out of there as soon as I could. So I have no one to blame but myself for not witnessing a Capstone presentation earlier.

This is why I've decided to fly out to Vermont to witness some Capstones before I have to present. I'm also planning on taking advantage of the fact I'll be on campus and track down my advisor and the off-campus coordinator to get some answers. It also gives me an opportunity to hang out with some friends that I haven't seen and have truly missed since I hightailed it out of there in May. :)

After my 3 short days in Vermont, I plan to head to Salem, MA, to visit another SIT colleague before flying to Nebraska for the weekend. In Nebraska, I plan to hit the ground running by completing my taxes, applying/interviewing for jobs, seeing the doctor, and attending a retreat meeting in addition to seeing as many family and friends as possible in 3 days.

It's going to be a crazy & hectic 10 days, but a wonderful relief to reconnect with good friends and classmates, as well as meet with academic advisers. I'm already anticipating the high I'll get from being super productive! I'm just hoping that mother-nature decides to take an early spring break vacay too so that I don't have to deal with many weather related delays while I'm on the mainland. My schedule is so jam-packed that I don't know if I could handle a major delay. Keep your fingers crossed! :)

I'm super excited! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk!!!!!! :D

Venting Frustration

I'm getting really frustrated with SIT. I've been trying to get a hold of my adviser and off-campus coordinator multiple times over the past few weeks, especially since my adviser's return from her MIA status, but I have received no response.

Ignore all my other frustrations with SIT, and let's just focus on this - I've met all the deadlines set for me to graduate in May thus far, yet I may not get to graduate because things are delayed on the school's end. I mean my adviser went MIA for over a month without informing her advisees first, and now I'm still waiting on my proposal to be approved when I submitted it a month ago, and was told it shouldn't take more than 3 weeks to review.

I'm going to be more than pissed if SIT screws me over after all the crap it's put me through.

Paroled for a Day

If you've been following this blog recently, you'll know that I have been more-or-less "under house arrest"/"having sympathy snow days"/"on a secluded island known as my house" for the majority of the past week-and-a-half. My cabin-fever days even extended into Thursday evening, of which I was hoping to be sprung to attend Tai Chi (of which Gary & Karen usually attend too), but no such luck. I found out later that they completely forgot about Tai Chi and were on the other side of the island, despite me emailing and calling Gary earlier in the day to see if we were still going to Tai Chi.

Friday, I did - finally - get to go to work, but I almost (ALMOST) wish I would've stayed home. First off, Friday's are never the day you want to go into work, especially for the first time that week. Secondly, Fridays are the days that FETCH (the other organization in my building) holds their youth camps, meaning a bunch of youth roaming around, being loud, and coming in "just to see what [I'm] doing." Lastly, with all the organizational drama that's afoot here these days, the last thing I wanted to do was to be dropped into the middle of it. But no one ever asked me.

It wasn't a horrible day, just extremely long after working from home all week, and tense-filled with all the collective stress from the drama and youth programming. I mostly stuck to myself and my work, but was brought into the fray by the Executive Director (E.D.) of FETCH by her volunteering me to do something (without telling me) during their youth programming even though she didn't ask me nor am I officially a part of her organization. I was informed of this by Lee, of whom after I informed her that I wasn't going to be assisting during the youth programming (I had too much of my own work to do, I couldn't stay that late, I know nothing about their programming, and I wasn't asked) decided to vent to me about how FETCH's E.D. does this all the time, in addition to venting frustration in general.

Like I said, I almost wish I would've stayed home. At least there my day is my own, even if it's cabin-fever filled. To be honest, busting out of "house arrest" for 8 hours only to have to deal with the drama of my building isn't exactly what one thinks of as a good way of spending their freedom. Just sayin'. I don't even count this as being "paroled" - it's more like when prison's release prisoner's for cleaning up highways or plowing fields and then send them right back. I was released for work and then immediately sent back.

I was hoping that Gary would at least invite me out to dinner with them (they were going out to dinner) or let me borrow one of the vehicles to run my errands I had asked to run earlier in the week, but no. No discussion. I was taken home with the promise of "We'll see you Sunday for church. Have a good weekend." Seriously? They know that I can't do anything without them chauffeuring me around. What do they think I'm going to do stuck up on the mountain? And no, I don't mind eating Easy Mac for the billionth time in a row, or the fact that my food supply has taken a hit since you've had me work from home the majority of this week, but no big deal. *rolls eyes*

So let me tell you what I was grateful for this weekend. The Super Bowl. Yes, that's right... the iconic American event. I intellectually understand that there are for more pressing topics in the world that deserve the type of audience the Super Bowl reels in, and that Egypt and other countries experiencing turmoil did not press pause on their lives to watch a sporting event, but I indulged in an American past-time, and took advantage of my "parole."

After attending church with Gary, Karen, his mother and aunt (who are still visiting), I nonchalantly asked if it was still okay that I join them to watch the Super Bowl. Gary, of course, had forgotten all about this promise he made a few weeks ago, but still said it was okay. On a high from getting the key to my jail-break, I innocently asked if it would be okay to use the time before the game started to borrow a car to run my errands I had asked him about on Monday. He profusely apologized about forgetting that I [was human and needed things like food, shampoo, and deodorant] had asked earlier in the week, and agreed to let me run errands. This may not sound like much to anyone else, but I was on cloud 9 anticipating my freedom of the upcoming 9 hours.

Needless to say, I took my time while running errands. I stopped at stores I didn't necessarily need to stop at... just because I could! I went to Barnes n' Noble and perused the shelves... just because I could! I - already at the mall for one of my errands - stopped in cute local boutiques I've never had time for before... just because I could! It was glorious! After I figured I had spent enough time "dilly-dallying" around with my errands, I headed back to Gary's house just in time for the game.

The game was fun. Karen made pizzas, we all had beer (All-American past-time: Football, Pizza, & Beer), the neighbors were hosting a joint Super Bowl/birthday party, and Gary's relatives are really nice. :) I wasn't really rooting for any team in particular so it was exciting anytime anyone made a decent play. It was fun discussing the commercials and performances with Karen and Gary's aunt. I even got to stay after the game and watch the return of Glee (yes, I'm a fan of the show, bite me)!!! A-MAZ-ING!!!

It felt so late after all of that (probably because it usually is pretty late after I get done watching the Super Bowl), that I wasn't upset to head back home even though it was only 7:00pm here in Hawai'i. It was nice, after all that highly engaging social surroundings to go home and relax. My "parole" day made me content after a week of being severely discontent. It kind of rejuvenated me for this up-coming week.

And I know, I know! I basically complained throughout this entire posting. I've already moved my complaint free bracelet. I also know that I am making a bigger deal out of this than need be, and that it could be a lot worse, and that I should be thankful/grateful. I get it!

Sympathy Snow Days

Hawaii may not have snow days, but I sure have been cooped up in the house as if it does! I've termed this "Sympathy Snow Days" after the concept of sympathy labor pains. Although the weather here in Hawaii has been gorgeous, I've been trapped in my house since Sunday afternoon... not by my choosing.

After the Hawaiian health lecture I attended, I finished out my Sunday at home because I was feeling slightly under the weather (how's that for irony? Leaving a health lecture feeling ill, and being "under the weather" in gorgeous weather). Come Sunday evening, by boss gives me a call and asks if I would be willing to work from home on Monday because his office is not yet finished (asbestos cleanup) and his wife has an all-day meeting off-campus so there will be no way to get me to and from. I say sure... I mean, I like sleeping in and working in pjs!

Tuesday rolls around and I wake up feeling awful! I call my boss and ask if I can have a personal day because I think I have the stomach flu (which I did). He agrees, and I'm home for day #2. Wednesday rolls around and I'm finally excited to be going to work, just to get out of the house, when about a half-hour before my normal pickup time my boss calls and says that there's a lot of construction going on at my building, plus office drama for our partner organization (that works in my building) so it might just be better if I work from home. Day 3, and counting. Last night my boss called me around 10:30pm (I'm glad I was still awake), and said he'd be working from home today, so I might as well plan on working from home too. Ugh. Day #4 of being at home.

I like working at home, but I'm starting to go stir crazy and have cabin fever! What makes it worse is that right outside my window I can see the bright blue ocean, see the gorgeous weather, feel the warmth coming through my window... but I'm stuck at home. I could walk down the mountain, but where would I go? And then I'd just have to walk right back up again. If I have to work from home tomorrow, I'm for sure busting out of this joint even if it's just to hike up and down this dang mountain. I'm not going to be able to take it much longer. Hopefully, though, I'll be sprung from this joint tonight for Tai Chi. It's my one cultural refuge, and it calms and re-energizes me.

Keep your fingers crossed!!!

Hawaiian Life Lessons, pt.2 (Hawaiian Health)

The church that I attend with Gary & Karen - Waiokeola UCC (Waiokeola means living water) - is doing a lecture series on health (The Ministry of Healing). Each Sunday, after the Aloha Coffee Hour (where I get my free lunch), they have a guest speaker present on a topic of health. This past Sunday, they had a presentation on Hawaiian Culture and Health. Naturally, I was interested and decided to attend.

The presentation was given by Stephan R.P.K (Kalani) Brady, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.C.P., who is the Interim Chair of the Department of Native Hawaiian Health at the University of Hawai'i John A. Burns School of Medicine. (Say that 3x fast!) The bio in the program reads as follows:

"Kalani Brady traces his roots to the Keli'ikanaka'oleaipolani family from Kaua'i. He graduated from St. Louis High School, received an A.B. cum laude from Harvard University, Ph.D. from University of Hawai'i School of Public Health, and an M.D. from the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine.

In addition to his private practice as a primary care physician and responsibilities as Interim Chair of the Department of native Hawaiian Health at the University of Hawai'i John A. Burns School of Medicine, Dr. Brady has also published numerous articles, given oral presentations on a variety of topics, and sung in many musical productions throughout the state. For 27 years he has been the tenor soloist at Central Union Church. He is the doctor of the weekly program "Ask the Doctor" on KHON FOX Channel 2 Morning News.

For his presentation Kalani Brady will talk about Native Hawaiian Health and Culture: Past and Present, and discuss Hawaiian healing practices."

The first observation I made was that this Dr. Brady did not look Hawaiian. I was confused about why someone non-Hawaiian would be giving a lecture on Native Hawaiian health. Then he informed the audience of his ethnic background, including how he is also decendant of missionaries who came to the islands, and happens to look full "Haole" but is really part Native Hawaiian. Just goes to show you... don't judge a book by it's cover!

The following are my notes from the presentation. They are most likely scattered and random, but hopefully you can follow along and learn something, as I did. :)

• 22.10% of Hawai'i's population is still part Native Hawaiian, which is an increase from just 30 years ago
• Cannakamowree - the people (Native Hawaiians), derived from the Hawaiian terms Kanaka Maoli (Kanaka = mankind, Maoli = indigenous/native)
• Hapa = mixed race
• When Dr. Brady was in grade school, youth were beaten (corporal punishment) for speaking ʻŌlelo Hawai'i (Hawaiian Language). This trauma runs deep into some portions of Hawaiian identity
• Ka Ma ahanui - triangle of Polynesian islands (largest nation on Earth). Outsiders/foreigners see the "islands [as] insignificant," but that is not the case.
• Ha = breath of life. Hawaiians used to share breath and spirit by placing foreheads together and breathing in each other's breath. This led to massive outbreak/spreading of foreign diseases once they were introduced to the islands because Hawaiians were "immunilogically virgins."
• 300,000-800,000 Hawaiian population decreased to just around 40,000 in less than a century. Still today, Native Hawaiians lead in mortality rates in Hawai'i
• Females used to be killed for eating pig. It was considered a sacred animal only eaten by men for special occasions.
• Health of Native Hawaiians is closely related to how much one identifies with their culture. Health is connected to "spirit occasions" - one has to heal the spirit before they can heal the body. Need social/cultural/economic/political changes.
• Three things rooted in the Hawaiian culture: Nā Akua (Gods), 'Aina (nature/land), Kanaka (mankind). Removing one of these aspects, such as land, was like removing part of the soul.
• January 17, 1893, Hawaiian islands/land was stolen ("ceded") from Queen Lili'uokalani by unlawful Dole Provisional Government. This was planned in the basement of Union Church
• 1898 the land was ceded by unlawful Dole Republic to the unlawfully occupying United States
• 1993 (100 year anniversary of stolen lands) - the U.S. submitted a formal apology to Hawaiian islands (Bill Clinton signed Senator Anaka's resolution, bill has not yet been passed).
• Psychological issues: geographical disparities (doctor's in cities, natives are rural), deeply rooted beliefs in traditional practices, being culturally sensitive ("nothing left but Aloha")
• Cultural Conflict:

  WEST	Kanaka Maoli
  Materialism	Spirituality
  Individualism	Collective Holism
  Private Property	Communal
  Capitalism	Caring/Sharing

• At indigenous Hawaiian schools, students don't strive to be first in class because that separates them from the rest of their peers/community. If students don't strive to excel than they don't excel.

Dr. Brady made A LOT of points, and I was scrambling to write them all down. I'm sure I missed some of them, but this is an overview of what he lectured on, and hopefully you got something out of it like I did.

Let The "Academic" Hallelujah Chorus Sing!!

I have just finished writing my first RPQ (Reflective Practice Question) paper! *Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Halle-lu-jah!!!!!!*

Those of you who have known about my serious writer's block will know what an amazing feat this is! The RPQ I just completed is my RPQ #1 that focuses on:

"RPQ on a Core Course-related issue: Select a PIM core competency area that you consider especially relevant to the work in which you are engaged at your practicum site. Formulate a reflective practice question and answer exploring your experience in this area using the conceptual lenses provided in the pertinent on-campus courses and your own additional reading in the area. The core courses to select from are OBI, OBII, Social Change, and Intercultural Communication (e.g., OB II observations and analysis in the workplace, ICC framework analysis relating workplace to theory)."

I based my RPQ #1 off a combination of OBI/OBII (Organizational Behavior 1 & 2 for those of you who didn't attend SIT) focusing on structural issues with Hawaii 4-H and recommendations for fixing them! At this point, I don't care if I did the assignment wrong, I don't care if my advisor thinks my writing is complete crap (well, I do a little bit, but that's beyond the point)... all I care about is that I have finished one of my three RPQ papers, and I can officially cross that off my To-Do List and move on to the next one!

Yiiiiippppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! :D

On top of that, I re-wrote my Capstone Proposal and Human Subjects Review form, and submitted it, because I changed my mind on what I want to focus my Capstone on. It's been a totally crazy, productive day... AND I AM LOVING IT! :D

Visitors Requested

In the spirit of not wanting to take my time and experience here for granted, I've come to realize that I appreciate being here a lot more when I am able to share it with people. Pretty obvious, right? Well, considering I've been spending a lot of my time recently up on the mountain - mostly alone due to house-sitting - I am in desperate need of company! That paired with the fact that I just realized I only have a month and a half left here means PEOPLE NEED TO COME VISIT ME!!!! Do it! You know you want to, and when are you going to get this opportunity again?! Come visit, come visit, come visit, come visit, COME VISIT!

Thank you, that is all. :)

Is Time Flying or Dragging?

Earlier today I posted the following to my Twitter account:

So many different aspects to my month of January that it's gone by quickly but seems like forever since it began. #weird

For further explanation beyond 140 characters, when I think of how much time I have left here in Hawaii and how much I need to get done (and how much I have gotten done this since arriving back from my holiday vacation) it seems like time is flying. I can't believe it's already the end of January!

However, when I think back to the beginning of this month, it's hard to believe that I was in Nebraska, ringing in the New Year with good friends, the five fantastically wonderful days I had with friends and family in Nebraska before heading back to Hawaii, spending time with the Peterson's before they left, meeting and hanging out with Kylie (Gary's January intern) for two weeks and all the adventures we had, dealing with Capstone drama, having Gary's son come for a two week visit, Kylie leaving, turning my focus to RPQs, having Gary's mom and aunt arrive for a visit, beginning work on this Diversity Grant, dealing with high school drama at work... etc, etc, etc.

So much has happened that it seems impossible that it's only been a month! I mean, I've had more comings-and-goings & events happen in the past four weeks than I did in the majority of my first four months here! January 1st seems like a-whole-nother life ago (I'm exaggerating, obviously, but still...).

So, I can't really tell... is time flying or dragging?

Not taking this for granted...

Okay, I admit, some of my last few posts have leaned toward the negative side. However, I want to clarify that this doesn't mean that I'm unhappy with where I'm at.

I'm house sitting for my host-family (they're in Vegas for a Senior Olympics thing). It's been nice having the place to myself and not just hanging out in my room. For the past two nights I've hung out in the living room watching cheesy movies on TV. The design of my host-family's house is pretty open, so when I'm sitting in the living room I can still see the incredible view of the ocean. It's been so gorgeous out in the evening that I decided to take it all in and sit out on the balcony enjoying the weather, the view, and the stars.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to star-gaze. I get so mesmerized by star-gazing that I can usually do it for hours and not even notice that time has gone by. It's definitely one of my happy places. So, after about a half hour of enjoying the view & weather from the balcony I was about to go inside when I looked straight up and realized it was a beautiful clear evening sky... in Hawaii. Of course I had to capitalize on it! I ended up watching the stars for hours. So long, in fact, that I must have fallen asleep at one point because I woke up on the balcony to the stars (still gorgeous weather) a couple hours later than the previous time I had check the time on my cell phone. *blissful sigh*

It was such an amazing experience that I had to do it again tonight. I didn't fall asleep this time, but I was so amazingly content that I didn't want to get up and go inside once I became tired. This is when I realized how incredibly lucky I am to be where I am. I'm not taking this for granted. There may be some cruddy aspects to what I'm doing here, but when and where is there not? I appreciate the gift/opportunity that has been given to me, and despite the negative aspects, for the remainder of my month and a half left here in Hawaii I refuse to take this experience for granted! :)

Diversity Grant Addendum

I'm starting to get really pumped for this Diversity/Cultural day event we're in the beginning of planning. Tonight we had another planning meeting where we met with individuals from the different cultural groups we were thinking of incorporating into the event. The energy was out of this world! I think I might just see if I can change my Capstone project to this... I don't know what that will entail, but it wasn't that difficult to write a proposal. Maybe I'll just write another Capstone proposal, submit it, and see what my advisor says (when she gets back).

Bad Day

Bad days... they suck. I know I'm stating the obvious, but for realz... they suck.

Today didn't start out bad. It was my first day back in the office since Monday (I worked from home the past two days for multiple reasons, one of which was the damn high school like antics from Monday). It was quiet... for the most part (no people around to annoy me, but periodic construction outside is horrible with this building's open-air design... It's okay though, I had my headphones with me). Gary worked from home because the University is renovating his building, and his mother & aunt are in town... meaning I didn't have a particular assignment today so I could work on academics or other things if necessary. Seems like I should've had a pretty low-key day...

I did... for the most part. It turned bad this afternoon when, over lunch, I decided to job search for when I move back to the mainland come March. I thought it would be a good idea to get a jump on things. Every one's been asking me what I'm going to do next, am I moving back to Nebraska, what I want to do with my life, if I'm going to wait until this summer to enter the "real world" or do it ASAP, etc, etc, etc. I hate those types of questions. Mainly because I don't have the answers and I hate asking those questions of myself so I really don't like it when other people shove them under my nose... publicly. I also hate how I'm in this position nearly every year! I can't remember a single year since my junior year of college where I haven't had to find answers to these questions. That was the Spring of 2006.

Anyway, I was job searching, looking at types of jobs first (you know, avoiding the location question). I came up short on opportunities. Then I started looking for jobs specifically around Nebraska... thinking that at least I could find something short term - if not long term - to tide me over. I came up short on opportunities. After an a couple hours (way past the end of my lunch), and one job not even closely related to my field of interest applied for, I started panicking.

I tried to clear my mind of those troubles by working on my RPQs. That didn't work since I've been having major writer's block in that department for over a month now. It just made me panic more. I know, I know... probably not the smartest move in the book jumping to an activity that I was already having trouble in to escape another, but it was the first thing my brain jumped to - productivity.

That's when the noise of the construction became much more intrusive. Let's just say, it kept spiraling down...

I would just like to say that I have good friends. Thanks to Rosie, Lydia, Charles, and Megan S. helped to calm me down. They might not all know that they helped, but they did. The all played vital roles in cheering me up and making me look on the bright side. It also helped that Tai Chi started back up tonight. I wasn't necessarily in the mood to go, especially after Gary & Karen bailed due to work loads & meetings, but with the outlook that they were letting me borrow a car for the evening, it would get me out of the house (that I've been trapped in for the past 2 days), and it would provide an opportunity to "clear my mind," I went. It definitely helped, as did the trip to Barnes n' Noble afterwards. I love me some books!

So, I've had a bad day. It may not seem all that bad, but in the thick of it, it sucked... as do all bad days. Things have gotten better as the evening has progressed, but those concerns are still there. My new mantra is one day and/or hour at a time (sometimes even days are getting too long to plan for). ;)

Before I end this transmission, I want to share a "Bad Day" ritual. When I was in college, and I had a horrible day, I would go to my room, shut the door, and blast my bad day music. I haven't really practiced this ritual (much) since college, but today, with all that racket the construction crew was making, and being by myself in the building, I just jammed out. The following song is the main bad day song of the playlist. Enjoy!

Motivation?

Oh yes, I have motivation... motivation to do ANYTHING besides what I need to do - capstone crap. I'm on day number two of working from home. I've told myself for the past three days straight that I was going to overcome this damn writer's block and pump out some RPQs - no matter if they were shit or not (I can always go back and make them better). But no. I can't bring myself to do it. It's almost like I'm looking for something to distract me... I'm practically making up reasons to not work on them. I don't know if this is part of the writer's block or if it's that I mentally just need a break.

I've lost most of my motivation for this assignment in general. The only thing I'm excited about these days is the cultural event we're working on for our Diversity Grant. But even thinking about that seems taxing today. I don't think you understand the level my lack of motivation has gotten to! It took me awhile even to work up the motivation to write this blog entry. I don't know if I'm just turning apathetic to the whole situation or what... maybe a part of it has to deal with me being stuck - home alone - in this house up on the mountain for two days (I can only take so much "me time"). Who knows.

I know I'm pretty unmotivated right now, but I do feel motivated to become motivated... tomorrow. That's something, right? :P

Holding Patterns...

The term "holding patterns" has been on my mind a lot recently. It came up in a phone conversation with my best friend this past weekend. We were discussing a number of topics, all of which one of us or the other felt uneasy about the situation, and Amanda so ingeniously termed it "holding pattern." I know that is all very vague, but just roll with it.

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern in many different aspects of my life. The most obvious to this forum's audience would be my academic and professional life. I'm in an internship that has kind of plateaued, I'm stuck in this off-campus phase when I just want to be done, I'm still living the transient lifestyle that has me guessing year-to-year what I'll be doing next or where I'll be next, etc, etc, etc. That may not seem "holding patten-ish" to you, but it is.

I feel stuck. I'm way passed ready for the next step to begin, but I'm nowhere near it happening. It's like I've already mentally checked out of this chapter of my life and I'm frustrated because I'm not in the next chapter. Holding Pattern. The sad thing is this isn't the only aspect of my life where I feel this way.

I'm not doing a very good job of describing this, am I? What is the solution when one feels "stuck" in their life? Better yet, what is the question that will describe the situation properly to lead to the type of solution I'm looking for?

Did anyone follow any of that?

When did I re-enroll in High School?

I'm sick of petty drama! So completely sick of it! I didn't realize I was back in high school again... at least it feels that way.

Gary has a new intern for the Spring semester (a student via UH), who happens to be Lee. :) She and I sat down to chat today, just to catch up and for her to ask me questions about interning for "Dr. Gary" as she calls him. Through this conversation she starts to vent some of her frustration about the organizational structure and 4-H's partnership with FETCH, the organization she works for (which is the reason she asked to intern with Gary b/c she already knows the ropes of FETCH). I sympathized with her. I too am frustrated with the organization structure of 4-H, how dysfunctional it is, and the complicated, uneven partnership with FETCH.

Through our venting and commiserating session, Lee mentioned certain traits of some of our building peers. These ranged from how they treat her to how they view me and Gary. Let's just say, I'm pissed. All the gossiping that's going on, the double-faced treatment, the purposeful underhandedness of some people, and the potential serious accusations one person in particular is making... it's downright childish! These people are supposed to be upper-level undergraduates, grad students, and academic professors/professionals. They're in the business of helping and educating families, yet they are immature themselves!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the problem is whether or not I should bring this to Gary's attention (the specifics). Lee told me this in confidence via a venting session between two people, not as colleagues. I keep asking myself what would come out of me bringing this up, whether or not Gary even has time to worry about pettiness, or if it's even worth it. *sigh*

Let's just say I'm glad I'm working from home tomorrow.

ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi

Today I officially registered for my (hopefully) last Hawaiian class to complete my language requirement for my degree. I see this as a milestone, even if I haven't completed the course yet. It probably helps that yesterday in the mail I received a certificate from the Kamehameha School for the course I completed back in November. The coolest part about it was that, in addition to my certificate, they sent along FOUR children's books - for FREE - about the life and times of King Kamehameha (some of the course materials we used during the course, which were all electronically supplied to us). They aren't all that fancy, but anyone who knows me and books understands why I was completely floored and excited!

I'm also excited to learn more Hawaiian because prior to Kylie leaving I was teach her words and phrases she could take back home to her family and schoolmates. Seeing her excitement reminded me of my initial excitement to learn Hawaiian. :) I'm going to rock out this language requirement!

Vacation Over

Kylie left for the mainland today.

It's weird... I only just met her 2 weeks ago, but I made a decent friend. I think it's mostly because we're close(r) in age - she's 20, I'm 25 - and everyone else we know here is significantly older. We were able to bond over being 4-H interns for Gary, knowing the quirkiness of Gary & Karen (good thing), and being tourist/residents of Hawaii. We got to explore the island of O'ahu on our days off, we had someone to socialize with at work and at home... we weren't alone thousands of miles away from everyone we know and care about.

I haven't had the easiest time here in Hawaii... don't get me wrong, it's been AMAZING, but not having anyone to socialize with beyond one's boss & his wife takes a toll. When Kylie was here it felt "normal." I actually enjoyed being in Hawaii and couldn't comprehend why I had "downsides" to being here. It was an amazing time. Then, the moment we dropped her off at the airport, and Gary & Karen dropped me off at home, it hit me harder than a ton of bricks that I was back to not being able to come & go as I pleased, to being chauffeured around, to not having someone to talk/socialize with (especially at work) on a daily basis, that I wouldn't have something to do on the weekend, and since Gary & Karen have family members in town I won't be invited out as much.

I'm making this sound worse than it really is. I really do enjoy being here in Hawaii. :) I was just shocked with the realization that I went from a lifestyle I am used to and enjoy back to the lifestyle I had prior to heading home for the holidays in a matter of seconds and - for some unknown reason - I didn't see it coming. Maybe I'm just saddened because I had a truly AMAZING time exploring and adventuring around last weekend, and this weekend I won't be leaving the house except for church on Sunday. Maybe not. I couldn't tell ya.

Anywho, the vacation is over. Back to the daily grindstone... which is still warmer and sunnier than the majority of the mainland! ;P

Diversity Grant

Today has been a crazy and hectic day, but the most notable work event was a meeting Gary & I had with a 4-H leader, Nina, about the Diversity Grant we received last fall. We met to discuss the event we had proposed in our grant narrative, which was a multi-day cultural symposium for 4-H members. However, since we didn't receive as much funding as we requested we had to figure a way to cut back but still provide an educative program.

To be honest, I didn't really want to go to this meeting. I've been disenchanted with my internship as of late, and this just seemed like one more thing we had to do that didn't really related to my capstone (topic wise it relates to my education, event wise it doesn't relate to what I am focusing on). However, I'm really glad I went. The brainstorming meeting between Nina, Gary, and myself was amazing! It reminded me of my days of summer camp planning with the other interns at St. Marks!

We broke down how much we wanted to accomplish versus how much we had in resources. We defined our PGOs (Purpose, Goals, & Objectives), we narrowed down our audience, we discussed the pros and cons to different structured activities (I even pulled out some Training Design for Experiential Learning activity suggestions), discussed possible speakers and foci, and decided on dates and venues. Very productive! But the number one thing that I thought set this meeting above numerous others I've sat through during my tenure in Hawaii was that we decided to have another planning meeting to nail out specifics that will include a portion of our intended audience in the planning as a form of needs assessment! (let the hallelujah chorus sing!)

I felt so good after that meeting. I'm kind of wondering if I should change my practicum to be about the process of this event... but that would me a really complicated Human Subjects Review. Hmmmm... decisions, decisions.

What is my role?

I've been toying with this question for awhile now. I've mentioned before about how long it's taken for me to finally get settled in this position and how no real focus was given to me, thus I had to create my own and role with it. But my confusion and frustration stems from more than just that...

During my time here with Hawai'i 4-H, my purpose was everything listed in my position description, which was designed to assist me in my academic pursuits as well as assist the organization develop and grow. However, the majority of my time has been spent as an assistant to my boss, which includes grant writing, making charts, designing presentations, organizing files, taking notes in business meetings, etc. These activities are beneficial, don't get me wrong, but none of these activities lent themselves to be overly related or useful to my academic practicum. That's why I ultimately decided to try and design my capstone around training because, even though it is a very small portion of my responsibilities, it was the one thing I could connect to my education thus far.

One thing that has *really* irked me is the fact that there is a tremendous amount of material here that relates to my field of study! I mean, my cluster situation didn't stem from nothing. However, anything that could be useful to my practicum is not something that I get to be a part of (for various reasons)... for example, the current situation on Maui is prime material for a Leadership/Community/Coalition capstone, but Gary doesn't have the funding to fly me back and forth with him to Maui all the time. Another example is the conflict situation happening within the O'ahu Livestock Council - a prime situation to apply Conflict Transformation theory and Conflict Identity theory, but Gary handles that on his own because I wont be here long enough to make an impact and my involvement will just complicate things more. Or the continuation of the mediation and processing of the situation with the 4-H Foundation, which is prime material for both Social Justice in Intercultural Relations theory and Conflict Transformation theory, but Gary doesn't think to invite me to those meetings until after they have taken place and he comes to me and says "wow, you should've been at the meeting today because [such-and-such happened] and it probably would've fit in well with your schooling."

*Frustrated* I understand that Gary is a one-man show, and that me just being here and helping out in any capacity is a good thing, but there comes a point when the benefits don't match up to what you're putting into it, and I think we've already passed that mark. This is not all Gary's fault. I willingly take some of the blame. We didn't knock out the details of me being here before I arrived (partially because Gary isn't a huge detail oriented person, and because I was just excited to be coming to Hawai'i), and haven't made major efforts to sit down and figure out what I should be doing while I was here. Mainly, we've both just be going with the flow. I think that's why my responsibilities have been so random and scattered... Gary gives me stuff when he thinks of it. However, this leads to him treating me like I'm at his beck-and-call and I have to drop everything I'm doing to do something for him (even if it's something tiny that he could've done faster himself).

I'm not optimistic that we'll find that balance before I'm through here - I only have about a month and a half left. It's not the most horrible situation in the world though, so I'll make it through. The major downside is that this makes things more complicated for me academically. Cross your fingers, ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be an interesting process!