Support Network

Support networks... they mean different things to different people. To some a support network may consist of their family, to others it could be their significant other. To a few it could mean their closest friends, or even a combination of these. For me, my support network is made up primarily of friends with a few selected family members thrown in for good measure.

Family is extremely important to me, and - as many of my family members could probably tell you - I bend over backwards for my family, and would do a lot more for them then I'd probably get in return. But this isn't a forced relationship, this is what comes second-nature to me. I care very much for my family, but they are not the strongest support network for me. I suppose this is because our lives are so different. My life and world view is so very different from the majority of my family that a lot of times they don't understand what I'm doing with my life or why I'm doing it.

It's hard. The specific instance that was the catalyst for this posting is the fact that my mother refuses to speak to me. I have been in Hawaii for almost a month and have not heard from her once. In fact, she really spoken to me since I found out I was officially coming to Hawaii - the one exception being when I forced her to give me a hug goodbye before departing for the airport. I tried calling her just now... to talk AND to let her know I'll be coming home for a week next month. She answered the phone with a harsh "What?" and then refused to speak much more than one word answers for the remainder of our 57 second phone call. *sigh* I've never had the most healthy of relationships with my mother. Anyone who knows me can attest to that. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Just because I've grown up with this strained relationship does not mean that the mother-role vacancy doesn't impact me in a major way.

Since my life is so foreign to my immediate (and sometimes extended) family, I've relied heavily on my friends. Sometimes, I admit, I rely on them too much, but a lot of the time I have no where else to turn. Since arriving in Hawaii I've spoken to at least one friend once a day. I've spoken to my father a grand total of 5 times, my brother around 6 or 7 times, my grandmother around 10 times. I'm not purposely avoiding my family. I'm the only one that makes the effort to contact the other, and our conversations are always very brief due to the lack of things to talk about. Whereas when I talk to my friends, I can talk for hours (if they'd let me). When I'm homesick, they are the ones I call. When I'm bored, they're the ones who entertain me. When I need help, they are the ones to help me. Friends are family.

I think this is why I get upset when I grow apart from friends, I have to say goodbye, a friend departs for a period of time, or even when I lose a friend. It's like part of my support network is removed. This is also why I envy those with permanent support networks, such as strong family ties. They don't have to constantly work to keep their support network together or worry that it might all fall apart.

My family loves me, and they are there for me in whatever capacity they can be, but a lot of times it's not enough. My friends have picked up a lot of that slack. I thank you all so very much for that!

I might come back to this post and add more later, but for now I'm too mentally exhausted to keep dwelling on this subject.